Stifling, this day is stifling.....

I love this song. I can relate so much. Not so much in the way she's meaning, but in a way that speaks to me. When I'm scared of being wrong or feel like I have to defend myself, I fight. Not physically. Anyone who knows me knows that would just be pointless haha. I would never win ;P. But verbally. I load up my mental weaponry and fire away. Whether I'm right or wrong. It becomes a pride thing.

When two people become defensive with each other, there's really no point in even continuing a discussion at that moment. It won't lead anywhere. Both sides are just trying to make the other person admit they're wrong. Logic is thrown out the window and emotions rule.

I started noticing how defensive I can get about a year or so ago. At first, nothing changed. I noticed it, yes, and I talked to the Lord about it, but change doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Sometimes lots of time, depending on the person.

Something is changing me

Real slow from the inside out

I'm noticing changes beginning to happen in me though. I'm now able to feel when my defenses go up. When I notice it happening, I'm learning what it means to put them back down again. How? By accepting the truth. We don't need to defend ourselves. If we are wrong, the Lord will reveal that. But He is our ultimate defender.

I've had several battles come up recently. It's been incredibly encouraging to see the areas where the Lord is changing and molding me. To see that I am growing, even if I don't always feel like it. To watch Him take hold of me and calm my spirit down in the midst of chaos and emotions. My favorite scripture is:

"Be still and know that I am God"

Psalm 46:10

That verse has meant so many things for me, but in the instance of arguing, it has showed me to be still. To know that He is God. To be still and watch Him work.

So, instead of fighting until I win, I'm learning to let it go. To not defend myself so much and instead allow Him to defend me. And I'm learning to allow Him to soften my heart when I am wrong so I'm willing to admit that. Feels like death sometimes haha, but it's worth it and I'm learning.

Life is full of learning. Almost everyday there's something new He's showing me. It can be so overwhelming and so tiring and so discouraging. But it can also be amazing and encouraging and if I allow it, growth. I'm just taking one day at a time right now. :)