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Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Silence. How does one describe silence? Is there really such thing as complete silence? One can sit in total and utter silence from the world. From the things around them. But what about inward silence? It rejoices as you grow and strengthen as a person. It screams at you as you lay in bed, soaking your pillow in your silent tears. It yells at you as you sit alone, reminiscing over past failed attempts.
Silence is a curious thing.
But, is self silence really silence at all? Or is that silence merely a doorway that opens to a path of mental opportunity for emotions to stir within you, and fill every nook and cranny? A doorway that once opened, shines light onto every filed and shoved feeling? All that baggage you threw into your mental room of 'Things of which we do not speak'.
Silence can be a doorway. A doorway that leads us into the very depths of our souls. A doorway that pushes us into greater things. Greater beings. Deeper people. Silence can force a person into a deeper knowledge of himself. A knowledge of who he is and why he is and what he is.
Silence is a curious thing. But maybe silence is an excuse. Maybe really, self silence isn't silence at all, but the gentle shove of a greater One. The God who cares. The God who desires for us to know. To understand. To dig deeper into ourselves so that we are forced to go to Him. The One with all the answers.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I was commenting on a friend's blog today and the security code was 'knerd'......k nerd? I feel like the computer is mocking me and like I should be offended! haha ;P But no, I'm comfortable in my own nerdness. When the Zelda theme song is your ringtone, you get excited over anything that has any remote relation to Doctor Who, and you quote Napoleon Dynamite and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World like it's everyday conversation....well....you kinda have to be haha.
Seeing that on the computer made me laugh, but it also made think about messages we receive and what we do with those messages. A person will receive a bajillion messages about themselves throughout their life. I'm only 21 and I've had what seems like a bajillion. Some are good. Some are bad.
I've been told I'm fat. I talk too much. I'm rebellious. I'm annoying. Unwanted. Too hyper. Too childish. etc. etc. etc.
But people don't have to say those things for you to receive those messages about yourself. It can be a look, an action, a tone. Anything. They hit that wall of lies inside you and so you receive them and believe them about yourself. But in reality, you're not those things. They are lies. You're identity in Christ is the truth. Who you are in Him is who you really are.
Grasping that truth has been one of the absolute hardest things for me. I get so stuck on the lies about me. The looks, the tones, the words, all come back. The replay themselves over and over again in my mind. They hammer away at my heart trying to wedge that nail in completely. But His strength keeps that from happening. His love pushes it out. Slowly....but still. It's getting there.
It reminds me of the book by Max Lucado, You Are Special. The character Punchinello is constantly brought down by others around him. He is told one lie after another about himself. The people around him stick dots on him instead of stars (dots are bad, stars are good). But by the end of the story, he realizes that all the lies that bombard him are just that....lies. That's all. They're not who he is. He's a child of the Most High. Perfect and holy and righteous through Christ. So the dots slide off, because they no longer mean anything to him.
I love children's books. They can be so simple, but have such deep meanings.
I'm hoping one day, all the dots (lies) being held within my heart, slide away. I'm hoping that someday they stop sticking. That someday, I'll truly understand who I am in Christ and accept the truth instead of the lies.
The more He reminds me of who I am in Him, and the more I listen and allow it to sink in, the easier it is. It's a process. It's not an overnight change. But He's constantly embracing me in truth. Sometimes, I push Him away. Funny thing is though, even though I push Him away, He seems to refuse to leave. He's still holding tight. Those moments I give up on myself, He doesn't give up on me. Ever.
Monday, November 28, 2011
This morning, I just stood for a bit looking at myself in the mirror. Not out of vanity. Out of curiousity. I've changed a lot on the inside, and I'm starting to notice on the outside. I've changed from even just 6 months ago. It's amazing how life will do that to a person, ya know? Experiences can mold us and shape us into something totally different.
Some of the changes are good. I'm a more confident, independent person. My musical and artsy side is starting to finally come out more and develop, and I don't allow people to walk all over me as much as I used to. I'm more blunt and say more of what I'm thinking. I don't mind saying when something hurts as much and (although still some) saying what I want to do and my preference. I'm becoming more confident in my opinions (thanks to this blog) and saying what I believe without so much fear.
I'm liking this 'new' me. But it scares me. As I was standing there, looking back at myself, I was looking at an unfamiliar face. An unfamiliar person. I feel like im a walking stranger, to myself. My eyes have a new gaze. My lips a new smile. My face a new glow. Others have even started noticing.
But not all of it is good. The changes are overall beneficial things, I think, but I'm having to learn how to balance them. When to know when the right timing is. For example, it's not always good to be blunt and give your opinions. You have to know when those things should be said.
It's a journey. I'm walking through new territory. A part of me feels like I don't know myself at all anymore, but another part feels like I'm discovering the person I've always wanted to be.
Change can be so intimidating, and so overwhelming. I don't miss the 'old' me, I just miss 'knowing' me....if that makes any sense. I'm thankful that the Lord is so loving that He doesn't leave us where we're at though. Instead, He molds and changes us into who were are meant to be. I'm far from who I want to be and I'm sure from who the Lord wants me to be. But I'm getting there.
It's been some of the most encouraging last 6 months of my life to be able to see that change. To stand back and watch as He works in my life. He is truly so faithful and so loving. He's constantly showing me that as He holds my hand tightly, never letting me slip from His grasp, and walking each step with me. Each step forward. Some are baby steps, some are big steps, but either way, they're steps. Forward. And those changes are drawing me into a deeper relationship with Him.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
This is one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs. It expresses such a beautiful cry to the Lord. It reveals a young girl who's imperfect and who feels like she's not ready for the mission the Lord has given her. But I feel this song relates to more than just Mary, the mother of Jesus. I can relate to much of it.
I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
This verse is so real. So genuine. So relatable. I love it. But I think this next verse is probably one of my favorites in the song:
Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
I feel so inadequate and ill-equipped to follow through with His plan in my life. I see the tasks He has laid before me, and I shy away in fear. I look at my life and I ask 'Why me?'. Not necessarily in a complaining way, but in an overwhelmed and confused way. I wonder why He thinks that I could accomplish such a thing.
But then He reminds me, it's not me. It's Him through me.
I feel as Christians, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in everything. To never stumble and make mistakes. Never say the wrong thing and make the wrong decision. But, I guess what I've come to learn is, He is sovereign. Sounds simple and like a 'well....duh.', yet still Christians are constantly stressing themselves out and adding unnecessary pressure to their lives. Yes, we all have a choice, and our choices have a consequence, but God is bigger than all of that! Adam and Eve ate the fruit, which caused sin to enter the world, but look how much bigger God has proved Himself. They made a bad decision, but He has shined through that dark cloud against all odds.
(This post wasn't originally supposed to go in this direction, btw. haha. I find that this happens a lot! I'll start writing and suddenly things will take a turn. I figure might as well go with the flow of what my fingers want to type and my mind wants to say ;P )
So, I guess my basic point is, we need to chill. I know personally, I add much too much stress to my life by trying to be perfect. I still believe in choosing wisely and being prayerful about decisions, etc. I believe we should go to the Lord about everything, even the simple things and seek His counsel and guidance and try to make the absolute best decision. Don't think I'm saying otherwise. But, if what you do happens to not be the totally, 100%, greatest thing, it's not the end of the world. God is so much bigger than our decisions and our mistakes. He's got your back :)
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I'm moving along rather splendidly in the series I'd say haha ;P. I actually have a lot more negative thoughts about Eclipse than I expected.
Edward's control issue really annoyed me. He tries to tell her who she can see, who she can't see. What she can do, what she can't do, etc. He obviously isn't trusting her. I can understand him being uncomfortable with her seeing Jacob. Especially since that's his enemy. But him demanding her to not see Jacob is just immature and unnecessary. He just as easily could have stated his concerns, and then trusted her to the rest. But instead he followed her and kept an eye on her without any need to. In his favor though, by the end of the movie, he starts to control her less and doesn't even get upset over her kissing Jacob. I was rather shocked, but I respected him a bit more for that.
I was incredibly peeved at Bella for kissing Jacob though. Yes, she admitted her feelings for him, finally, but in the end, it just hurt Jacob more. I understand she was trying to save Jacob from doing something reckless, but we can't control the actions of others, and his recklessness was very manipulative and child-like.
On a more positive note, I was honestly surprised when Edward denied Bella sex. He told her he wanted to wait until marriage. That was very noble and respect-worthy of him. I also was pleasantly surprised to see the two enemies (Cullins and Werewolf clan) come together and fight for the same cause. Later, the leaders even shook hands. I very much appreciated that.
Right now, I'm not Team Edward or Team Jacob. They're both being idiots at this point. Jacob is less of one than Edward, but he's still lacking in many areas.
Overall, this movie gave me a very sick feeling for some reason. I'm not entirely sure why either. I think it was just the mixture of darkness, control, and hurt going on, and sometimes stupid drama makes me nauseous. Hopefully Breaking Dawn is better...
Friday, November 25, 2011
I watched New Moon on Wednesday with Hannah (my sister). She's watching the whole series with me haha.
I kept hearing bad reviews about this one. I heard it was depressing, not worth watching, that Edward was controlling in how he left her, and that the music is awful. I beg to differ.
Yes, it was slightly depressing, but relatable. She was real. Here's a girl who has just had her heart ripped from her chest, shoved in her face, and then thrown to the ground and stomped on. Who can blame her?? I felt that this movie is a key part in the series. It showed how much she truly loves Edward, and it explained werewolves (like the first explained vampires). I didn't appreciate how she used Jacob as rebound and to get past her depression though. I would be more gracious if she didn't lead him on, but she does. They came close to kissing even. I honestly feel bad for the guy. I viewed her going after him as only trying to get past Edward. I believe she loves him, yes, but only as a friend.
Was Edward controlling? Possibly. But he was trying to protect her. I see nothing wrong with that. They say love is blind. I agree with that, to a point. Bella has been pretty reckless by going off with Edward. She fell in love almost instantly and went for him whole-heartedly. So, I honestly thought it was rather selfless what he did. He obviously adores her, but he wanted to give her a chance at a 'normal' life. What he failed to realize is just how deeply she loves him. She can't live without him.
As for the music, I actually really enjoyed it. They play songs from a lot of artists I listen to. Death Cab, Bon Iver, Sea Wolf, The Killers, etc.
I don't really appreciate that Dakota Fanning is in it. I just can't take them as seriously haha.
I liked New Moon more than I thought I would though. It wasn't quite what I had heard it was. At least to me. There were ups and downs about it, of course. But overall, I enjoyed it. It wasn't as awful as most people made it out to be :)